Is there anything on Earth more cheerfully wholesome than a good ol’ God-fearing, glassy-eyed Christian? Well... yeah: good ol’ God-fearing, glassy-eyed Christian Scare Films. This is Volume 6 of our spiritual series and, yes, God Himself wants you to watch it...
Unto Thyself Be True (b&w): Bill’s life is a real mess. He’s trying to save up some cash to get his dad a nice Father’s day present, but his old man is a Mean Old Jerk that keeps picking on him. When Dad finally bans Bill from using the family car, plans for Bill’s Sunday church picnic go straight out the window... Until sneaky Bill takes the car anyway and -- oh no! -- gets in a fender bender. "Jumpin catfish!" he screams. The cover-up goes poorly and Bill ends up in police custody... Scary says: "Doomy gloomy Christian delinquency!"
Teenagers’ Parents (color): Tex, a jumbo-burger-eating smoothie, has his eyes set on Carol, a perky blonde Carol Burnett clone. Trouble is, Carol has some pretty big issues with her parents who are So Strict they don’t let her date! Tex tries to win the parents over but fails. Things then go from bad to worse when Tex invites Carol to a bible party. You’d think that would be okay but noooooo... Carol’s parents are so hardcore they forbid her from that too! Nevertheless, after some Christian-style sneaking around, Carol makes it to the meeting... Scary says: "More repressed than Rush Limbaugh’s zipper!"
Our Children: A Clean House (color): Susan wants to wear a new dress to Sally’s birthday party, but Mom’s scissors are missing so she has to wear "the old pink one". Then Granny arrives but Susan’s closet is so messy, Granny can’t unpack her enormous wardrobe! Not only that but Susan broke Mom’s pearl necklace! Good Lord!!! Mom finally decides it’s time for a nice long Christian Speech all about cleaning up and respecting God’s will. Scary says: "Remember, Cleanliness is next to Godliness!"
How Do I Love Thee? is a spectacular Mormon lecture on pre-marital sex! Jennie’s roommate, Penny, is a real hussy. All she cares about is boys, boys, boys, and boys! Though Jennie doesn’t quite share her friend’s lust for men, she nevertheless soon becomes enchanted with Ken. The relationship moves a Little Too Fast for Jennie, and she breaks it off. Jennie then finds out Penny is pregnant, and must leave college. After much sobbing, Ken and Jennie decide to stay together -- but no sex! Scary says: "The chastity monster rears its ugly head and takes no prisoners!"
Our Children: King of the Block (color): Lo and behold! It’s the Skipper -- ALAN HALE! And he’s building snotty little Stevie a tree-house. Where’s his little buddy? Oh well. Stevie turns into Big Jerk when he gets inside the tree-house and thinks he can boss his friends around. Soon we see where Stevie learned this un-Christian behavior from... and, yup, its the Skipper! King of the Block ends with Mother addressing the audience -- a rarity for films of this type. Scary says: "Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a faithful drip..."
-- Scary Ed
Year: 1950s 1960s
Color: Color and B&W
Starring: Alan Hale