Satan be damned! The Almighty kicks ass left and right in this third collection of Christian Youth Scare Films!
First up is Teenage Testament (1960), in which young Roy (and his receding hairline) works at a malt shop owned by his Aunt Gertie (DOROTHY ADAMS, Mrs. Cameron in The Best Years of Our Lives). Quick to dish out some gospel with a scoop of ice cream, Roy preaches to many customers but particularly needles Josh, the cab driver with "a real dilly" of an ulcer. "Sounds like you need food for the soul," Roy says. With his brimstone counter behavior (and creepy automaton looks) driving customers away, Gertie asks Roy to can "the religious talk". Roy is understandably torn between honoring his family’s wishes and doing what he knows is right. As a fellow Christian tells him, he’s "really in a spot." But before long, he’s got Aunt Gertie piping hymns into the shop, customers or no customers. Hallelujah! (Question: is the RICHARD MILES who stars in this and Teenage Crusade the same Richard Miles who co-wrote that quintessential Christian classic They Saved Hitler’s Brain?)
In Teenage Challenge (1959), Dave, "a real fire-breathing, heathen-eating preacher boy," enters the school essay contest which asks what is the biggest challenge teens face. Why, to be a Christian, he answers in five hundred words or less. His entry is one of the winners but the godless school board won’t let him read it at the assembly because of its "controversial" content: "It’s too religious for around here!" Rather than write another, he rejoices when the editor of the school paper promises to run it in the next edition. Yea! Separation of church and state sucks!
Teenage Crusade (1960) finds Don (the deeply disturbed Billy Haloran of Coppola’s Dementia 13) and his youth group planning a "jalopy raid" to bring wayward souls to their next church party complete with cool, not-at-all-stupid activities like egg races and playing ping-pong using only your breath. "A jalopy raid?" says one hesitant hoodlum, "How corny can you get!" Agreed, greaser. (As the pastor says, "It’s not easy to be a Christian...")
With more bad halo jokes than there were locusts at the plague, this edition also features The Red Trap (1959), a short about the dangers of Communist hussies. Since the commies would "love to snare the son of a superior court judge", semi-brainwashed Carl is recruited by (familiar movie tough guy) DON GORDON and a soulless Soviet slut much to the annoyance of the FBI. Fortunately, Carl talks things out with Pastor Bob (who reads from J. Edgar Hoover’s Masters of Deceit) and ends up trading in communism for Dad’s sexy secretary EVE BRENT (aka Jean Ann Lewis), star of Gun Girls!
A bit of trivia: The first two films in this volume both contain the angry line, "Alright, you clowns!"
From 16mm heaven-sent prints. -- Rod Lott, Hitch magazine
Year: 1950s 1960s
Starring: Richard Miles
Co-starring: Dorothy Adams
Other cast: Don Gordon, Eve Brent
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