Glory, glory, hallelujah, our 12th volume of Christian Scare Films features an even half dozen Christian Classics from Family Films, a Protestant juggernaut of Christian cinema that churned out short after short as "a modest contribution towards a better way of life." They remain God’s favorite film company.
Rim of the Wheel (b&w): My Little Margie herself, GALE STORM, plays Virginia Sutton, a socialite with such a pointlessly busy life that she doesn’t have time for the things that really matter. Why, even her husband is forced to wash the dishes after she dashes out to a club meeting: "in this day and age, you’ve got to keep going of you’ll be left by the wayside!" But after the 80 year-old coot next door teaches her kids how to pray on their knees -- "Reminds me to be humble and submit myself to the will of the Lord!" -- he then browbeats Virginia about her gallivanting ways -- "Get off the rim of the wheel and get close to God!" -- until she breaks down, cries hysterically and, overnight becomes a simple housewife content with cooking, keeping house, and being blissfully domestic- All of which suggests that it’s time Gramps was put away in a home.
You Can’t Buy Friendship (b&w): After a lecture from a Christian Mom, two cousins learn that friendship must be earned, not bought. Besides, all the money they’ll save will come in handy when they grow up and want to purchase hookers.
Flying Straight (b&w): Little Bobby Nelson tries to build a model airplane for a church contest but becomes psychotically enraged and crushes it while grimacing wildly. He instead submits his cousin’s glider as his own, but cracks under the Christian scrutiny of his mom, VIRGINIA CHRISTINE (The Mummy’s Curse). Learning a lesson about honesty, Bobby will forever ride the Jesus Airline!
No Other Gods (b&w): Lots of B-movie faces in this one -- including WANDA McKAY (Because of Eve) and RICHARD CRANE (The Alligator People) -- in a love triangle between Wanda, a football player, rich kid Crane, and an inventor, who all learn a cheap lesson in capitalism and "worshipping false gods." Makes you wonder whether a simple Christian Three-way wouldn’t have been a hell of a lot easier.
First Impressions (b&w): Little Davey (JOHNNY CRAWFORD of Village of the Giants) wants Spike Miller to pitch on his baseball team, but Spike scares everyone: "He thinks he’s so tough!" But tough Spike is actually a Christian softie which Davey’s bigoted Aunt Martha quickly learns. Love thy neighbor....Not!
Half Inch of Selfishness (b&w): Two battling brothers become Christian angels after a talk by their befuddled dad who could’ve saved us all some time by just beating the Christian crap out of them.
Life That Satisfies (b&w): The one short not made by Family Films in this batch offers "Musical Moments with Paul and Bob" from ’The Scriptures Visualized Institute. Paul and blind Bob, both of whom are actually rather scary, stand with their guitars in a small dark room and sing Christian tunes while dispensing dollops of Christian wisdom: "If you do not receive Jesus, there’s no hope for you!" How’d you like to find these two singing lullabies in your bedroom tonight? -- Born Again Pritchard
Year: 1950s 1960s
Starring: Gale Storm
Co-starring: Virginia Christine
Other cast: Wanda McKay, Richard Crane, Johnny Foster
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